Scotty Smalls – The Sandlot
You know why Smalls is always killing everyone? Because he sucks at baseball. Benny had to literally hit the ball directly into his glove for him to make a catch. He barely deserves the spot in the announcer’s booth he has at the end of the movie.
Kenny Powers – Eastbound and Down
No one ever doubted that Kenny Powers had the goods, but he is the ultimate locker room plague. Unless you’re a team primed for failure and disappointment (ahem, Mets), Powers is a stay-away.
Landry – Friday Night Lights
As the show moved even more onto the field, Landry was getting left in the dust, so they scripted him into somehow making the team as a kicker. Which he sucked at so bad that the coach never learned his name.
Doug Glatt – Goon
As important as a big-time enforcer is in hockey, drafting a guy who can’t even skate just because he’s got a hard head is not a great draft plan anymore. Or ever.
Air Bud – Air Bud
Even if the rules of basketball could be completely rewritten to allow for a dog to play in the NBA, you’d probably want to stay away from drafting him. Because he’s a fucking dog.
Jackie Moon – Semi-Pro
The forward also serves as the head coach and starting power forward. He’s pretty much Jerry Jones if he was allowed to play quarterback himself.
Spike – Little Giants
Sure, Spike can make a serious tackle, but he’s a dirty player. He’s also overconfident, sexist, and most certainly on steroids. Side note: Icebox grew up to be a babe. Check it out.
JaMarcus Russell – The Raiders
Nobody this bad could exist outside of a fantasy world created by the cruelest scriptwriters.